Anger - just another stage of grief

I'm just so angry all of the time. 

I can't stop. 

I look at people waiting for a diagnosis and I get angry because they have less problems than Leo but they are being listened to. 

I look at people with a diagnosis and I'm angry because they got it quicker or it's something we are still waiting for. 

I look at people with health insurance, or enough money to pay privately, getting to "jump the queue" and I get angry. 

I'm angry at scientists for not doing more research. 

I'm angry at councils for not acknowledging his difficulties when I tell them. 

I'm angry at therapists who only see a a 5 second snapshot of a "good day"

I'm angry at the doctors who have starting discharging us from their services. 

I'm angry at the clinicians who ignored all the concerns I had when he was younger. 

I'm angry at the world for "punishing" someone so innocent, so loving and caring. 

I'm angry at myself for not fighting harder. 

I'm angry at myself for not being able to conceive naturally, and when I get medical help my body made a mistake with the code copying. 

I'm angry at people who don't see how I struggle. 

I'm angry at those who give us sympathy. 

I'm angry at those who ignore our struggles. 

I'm angry at myself for not being able to give Sibby more of my attention. 

I'm angry at myself for having to split my attention between 2 of them. 

I get angry at Leo for not listening when it's to do with his safety. Then I get angry at myself for getting angry at him. 

I'm angry at people getting more community support, and I'm angry at the people giving them support. 

I'm so so angry…. 

But it's OK…..well it will be. 

But it is NATURAL

I've realised it's just part of the grieving process. 

It's normal to grieve in life. Not just a death. But any major life change, and a new medical diagnosis is no different. 

It's not a linear path, although it's portrayed as such. You can flit between the stages, and the entire cycle can start again each time a new aspect or symptom presents.

Usually you would grieve yourself, but the beauty of a congenital condition is he knows no different. He has nothing to grieve, because he has lost nothing, it is just who he is and always will be. 

Everyone daydreams of their future, and mine has drastically changed. We currently have no way of knowing if he will ever be independent. And it is a scary thought to have. So I have been grieving a future my son never wanted or never even knew of…. Which again makes me angry at myself. 

What are the 5 Stages of Grief? 

1. DENIAL - I was here for a while. Often convincing myself there was nothing wrong and it was all in my head. Even after we got the diagnosis I was in denial for a while. I didn't doubt he had Xia-Gibbs Syndrome, just that it was affecting him. Some things, like communication and mobility, he appears to be a lot less afflicted than others with the same rare condition. So I continued to deny that it would effect him at all.

2. ANGER - one guess what stage I'm currently in?

3. DEPRESSION - this is the other stage I am currently floating between…. It's more from exhaustion I guess. When I have no more energy to be angry, I just get sad. 

4. BARGAINING

5. ACCEPTENCE

The last 2 I haven't yet reached…. I hope I do soon for my own sanity. 

Leopold is fine, he's safe, he's happy, he's loved and he's healthy…. 

So why can't I just let it go? 

Stock photos curtesy of Pexels

P.S. I was very angry when I wrote this one